When I moved to Denver in August of 2013, traffic was normal, rent was reasonable and the authenticity of the general population was genuine. It was hip, healthy and natural. I attempted to stop drinking and escape the trauma of my horrendous split with Thriller. I also moved here because my mother lives in Golden and I wanted a fresh start. While technically I’m a transplant, as I grew up in Dallas, I’ve also been here for ten years and know a thing or two about this fantastic city. I slowly started to witness more and more transplants moving into the Mile High City, particularly last year. Most of them were super friendly | wanted a fresh start, too and enjoyed all the outdoor activities Colorado has to offer.

Since the Covid-19 pandemic that flipped the world upside down in 2020, an influx of Texans, Floridians and Californians are now flooding our great state. They come with obnoxious attitudes, fake “LA” energy and brains so fried from the Florida heat, that they truly believe going twenty-three miles in the left-hand lane is acceptable. From pretending to love the outdoors and a purpose of solely moving here to smoke pot legally, Denver is just not what it used to be. After having an awkward conversation with someone I just met last night, I felt the need to lay out some ground rules for these cocky, unknowledgeable transplants. I hope they realize that it’s a privilege to live in Colorado.

When you first move to Denver, it’s exciting and there’s always something going on. It can be overwhelming figuring out the lay of the land with all of the different neighborhoods in the city. If you just take a breath and shut the fuck up once in a while, you’ll realize you’re living in an adult Candyland and we can teach you a great deal. Rule number one: Stop one upping people. While you have just moved here within the last couple of years, most of the nicest, down to earth people grew up here or have lived in Colorado for a decade plus. It’s comical how transplants that just moved here, especially a month ago, tell you what’s up. Have your input of course, but don’t argue with someone who’s been here longer than you. I’m pretty sure someone who has been in Denver over a decade will know the neighborhoods that certain restaurants, shops or parks are located in.

I know I have already dedicated an entire article regarding a “course” on the fundamentals of driving, but since I wrote the blog, it’s becoming more noticeable to me, not to mention extremely frustrating. We have a lot of right lanes only turns that sneak up on you, so it may be a good idea to take a cruise around town to become familiar with the city. Rule number two: The left-hand lane is for passing AND for drivers wanting to drive with a purpose. It’s ridiculous how many of ya’ll are driving at speeds so slow in the left-hand lane, that I feel like you’re moving at the pace of a special Olympic hurdler. Move over if you’re going to talk on the phone, play on Instagram or drive stoned out of your mind. And please stop braking every second, it’s not necessary. You’re not going to crash into the car in front of you, unless you’re not even looking ahead. Simply follow the pace of other cars. It’s really not that difficult and believe it or not, not all Coloradans smoke pot.

Dating long distance can be a bummer, so when your significant other is planning a move here and you don’t want to go with them, you may need to re-think that long distance relationship. Denver is the second-best city in America to find love, according to 303 Magazine. We have all types of men and women here; jock bros, rugged mountain men, hipsters, clean cut businessmen and potheads. Women are just as outdoorsy, beautiful and can chug a beer | out ski you any day of the week. We are good-looking, take care of ourselves and sometimes you’ll feel like you’re in Los Angeles; some are so attractive it’s unbelievable, however, we don’t need plastic surgery to compete with other robots. Rule number three: Please have dating etiquette, especially on dating apps. When a transplant moves here and are single, one of the first things we do is check out the talent on apps like Tinder, Bumble and Hinge. Who wouldn’t? I did, but some of the behaviors I’ve noticed are trashy, tacky and quite sad. Ghosting has become the norm for us “lucky” folks still playing Tinder and the dialogue | vulgarity from the transplants is disturbing. The stories my friends tell me are wild. Like, if we are not into you, get over it and don’t talk shit to make yourself feel better that we turned you down.

So, whether you’ve been here for ten years or ten minutes, try to relax a little and just be a good person. There’s a lot to take in here, so slow and steady wins the race. While this blog is poking fun at you guys in a harmless way, taking note and observing more | talking less, will ensure you don’t come across as a complete douchebag.

Photo: Denver Westword